Just tie the noose a little tighter.....

so this is what my life has become, stuck in this god forsaken hell hole for who knows how long, i just wanna get out, i miss Orlando so much but with the way I'm feeling i dont even care where i end up just anywhere except here. like of course I'm gonna have a "unpleasant" attitude I HATE IT HERE!!!! maybe if I'm too unpleasant to live with they will send me somewhere else. I have a headache everyday, I've been eating more than ever, i feel stressed and anxious and unhappy obviously my behavior is a cry for help but it seems like no one is listening like i am screaming as loud as i can and no one can here me. i feel like I'm drowning and there is no way out i wanna rip my hair out and just lose control. this is probably the greatest test of my disease to try to keep everything together without completely falling apart. so, so what if I'm unpleasant or grumpy or angry or irritable i am trying to keep my life together with no help from no one so someone please give me a fucking break!!! sometimes i just wish i could go back back to when i was happy with friends and life and laughter and hope sometimes i do wish that but right now i just wish i could disappear.

black ages

it feels like your being choked and your powerless to stop it, like a huge weight is on you and you cant life it, and all you want to do is cry and scream and break stuff. I dont know what it is about this place maybe the fact that nothing positive has ever happened since I've moved here. heart ache and rejection, check, mental hospitals, check, dead end jobs, check, no friends, check. everything that could possibly go wrong in a young girls life has gone wrong for me here. it feels like im suffocating and all i want is a way out. and i dont think im being overly dramatic or out of line, my feelings are my feelings and no one will understand them because no one else is me. i should have just been miserable for another four months just so i wouldn't have had to come back to this hell hole. i was happy, i had friends and a social life, i wasn't confined to the four walls of a room that is more like a storage now than my own room i felt like it was the one place where i was accepted and now i feel like a piece of my soul is gone, my whole heart was left in Orlando, and yeah maybe i am being overly dramatic with the wardrobe changes, the overly black eyeliner and nails but i guess I'm just paying homage to the way i feel right now, I'll call it my black ages. 

is home really where the heart is??

So I've been in California for three days now and its exactly like i thought it would be. i dont know what is is about this place, maybe i let all the bad memories affect how i feel about it, i probably shouldn't do that but i do. I really miss Orlando, i feel like i left my life back there, all my friends all my planned nights out, just having something to do. I'm so bored here, i feel super restless, i dont really have anything here i mean i have my family but i have no friends, no job, no life. I think i have watched more TV in the last 3 days than i have in the last six months. but the boredom has benefited me in some ways, i get so bored that i try new things with my make up, hair and wardrobe so i have been looking pretty fierce while sitting home watching TV. i guess I'm at a crossroads in my life right now, i know my parents will support me and do all they can but i still feel bad, like having them rent me an apartment in o town till i get on my feet, like yeah my family isn't really hurting but i still feel like a burden. As much as i miss Orlando and wanna go back i think i would feel worse about being a burden on the family. I dont know, i feel that my feelings are i guess kind of unneeded but i cant really help how i feel. Its just California doesn't really feel like my home anymore, like i cant stress enough that i have nothing here and yeah i guess you can tell me to stop complaining and make something here but its had to create a new life here when i have such a great one back in Orlando. i feel like I'm gonna need some time to think about things and decide what i want to do, i just hope i make the right decision a decision where I'm happy.

Here it goes...

So here I sit in a hotel room in Orlando, Florida at 10:21 on a Monday night, awaiting my flight back home to California in the morning thinking "what am I gonna do now?" Alright, so obviously my dramatic opening sentence didn't make much sense since, well you dont know me, so let me give you some background on me and my life thus far. I'm not gonna do the WHOLE life story thing so I'll start a few years back, I had just gotten dumped by my boyfriend of two and a half years....on the same day my cat died. Yes folks it's true, you cant write better stuff than that. Since we lived together, that night i packed up my life and went back to my parents, definitley didn't think i would ever be back home again but hey everything happens for a reason. After my break up i went into the whole black hole of despair thing, you know, dont wanna eat, well in my case i ate enough for a small army, stayed in bed all day, didn't want to see or talk to anyone, hated the world, you know the normal post break up stuff. A few weeks had passed and i was finally up living among people again, and that's when i had an idea that would change my life forever. About 6 months before my dad had taken me on a trip to Disney world, I've always loved Disney and had been to Disneyland a billion times since I'm from California but it was my first trip to the world. on the last day of our trip i was in a gift shop in Epcot and a cast member came up to me and asked if i was from California, i said i was and she said she could tell by the way i dressed. we got to talking and she told me she was working at Disney through the Disney college program, i had no idea what that was so she explained it to me. she told me it was a program where you go to Disney world to work and live and party, i told her that the program sounded like a lot of fun but didn't think to much about it because well why would i leave my boyfriend to move across the country. So i went about my day and finished my vacation with my dad, so now fast forward to my thought that would change the course of my life forever. usually after bad break ups girls will go shopping, get a hair cut or hang out a lot with Ben and Jerry well i did all three of those things but since Ive always had a flair for the dramatics i wanted to do something big and bold, i wanted to move across the country and work at Disney world. now my family was super cool and supportive of my decision my dad and my brother thought it would be awesome for me to get out and live on my own and well my mom was my mom, she supported me but often asked me to go to Disneyland instead. i applied for the program, got in and was on my way to Florida. well my time in Florida was definitley the best time of my life, i made life long friends, gained independence and confidence and was happier than i had been in a long time. after my program ended i went back home and was back at Disney after only three months. so i started my second program in may and it was awesome i had the best roomie and the best job, awesome friends and i was having the time of my life. well what goes up must come down right? in august my mangers got a email saying that i was to be transferred immediately, i was transferred back to merchandise which i hated and the managers there hated me too. i was extremely stressed and work was miserable so it took me a while to decide but i ended up self terming because being there for another 4 months wouldn't be healthy for me. so thats why I'm here now at 11:39 waiting for a flight back home. now back to my question what am i gonna do now? I'm leaving my friends and support system all the things and people who make me happy I'm leaving my entire life and going back home to Sacramento, CA a place i associate with pain, heartache, sadness and struggle. So, whats a girl to do?? i dont have an answer and I'm unsure, but i guess this blog can be an outlet for me, somewhere where i can speak freely, somewhere where i can express myself, somewhere to vent. I dont know what my future holds and i dont know what is going to happen but all i can do is keep my head up and hold on to hope, cause in the end hope is all we have.